Human relationships are complex, filled with a range of psychological variables: emotions, desires, and attachments. One particular psychological phenomenon that often complicates relationships is limerence. Have you ever heard of it?
Have you ever been head over heels for someone? Have you ever lost hold of yourself or lost track of your life in a relationship? If you answered yes to either of these last two questions, then there is a possibility that limerence may be part of the romantic equation.
What is Limerence?
The concept of limerence was introduced by psychologist Dorothy Tennov in her groundbreaking book, "Love and Limerence: The Experience of Being in Love," published in 1979. Tennov conducted extensive research on romantic love and identified limerence as a distinct emotional state separate from love.
Tennov's work revolutionized the field of psychology by shedding light on the intense and often overwhelming feelings that accompany romantic infatuation. Her research helped to explain why some romantic relationships are more emotionally intense and all-consuming than others.
Limerence is more than just a crush or a passing infatuation. It is an intense emotional state characterized by obsessive thoughts, fantasies, and longing for another person. In her book, Dorothy Tennov described limerence as an involuntary state of romantic desire for another person.
Limerence involves idealizing the object of affection, imagining a perfect future together, and feeling an overwhelming desire for reciprocation. Unlike healthy love, which is characterized by mutual respect, trust, and care, limerence is often one-sided and can border on obsession.
Characteristic Markers of Limerence in Relationships:
Limerence can manifest in various ways in relationships, often leading to unhealthy attachment dynamics and toxic behaviors. Some common manifestations of limerence in relationships include:
Obsessive Thoughts and Fantasies: The limerent individual may constantly think about the object of their affection, imagining romantic scenarios and longing for their attention.
Idealization: The limerent individual may idealize the object of their affection, seeing them as perfect and ignoring any flaws or red flags. This can lead to particularly dangerous outcomes if they have entered into a romantic relationship with a predatory personality such as a psychopath or narcissist.
Dependency: The limerent individual may become emotionally dependent on the object of their affection, seeking validation and reassurance from them.
Insecurity and Jealousy: Limerence often breeds insecurity and jealousy. The limerent individual may feel threatened by any perceived threat to their imagined relationship with the object of their affection.
Attachment Styles and Limerence:
In the 1950’s and 1960’s John Bowlby, a British psychologist, was exploring the psychoanalytic and ethological principles of relationship dynamics. Through his research, Bowlby developed his attachment theory in which he identified three main attachment styles that are psychologically developed through the early relationships a child has with their caregivers and how those early relationships shape their expectations and behaviors in future relationships.
Secure Attachment: Children with secure attachment styles feel safe and secure in their relationships with their caregivers. They are comfortable exploring their environment and seek comfort and support from their caregivers when needed.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment: Children with anxious-preoccupied attachment styles are often anxious and insecure in their relationships with their caregivers. They may worry that their caregiver will not be there for them when needed and may cling to their caregiver to seek reassurance.
Avoidant Attachment: Children with avoidant attachment styles tend to avoid or minimize their interactions with their caregivers. They may appear independent and self-reliant but may have difficulty forming close, intimate relationships in adulthood.
Later, in the 1970’s, Mary Ainsworth, a developmental psychologist further expanded on Bowlby's attachment theory through her research on the "Strange Situation." This experiment involved observing how infants reacted to being separated from and reunited with their caregivers. Ainsworth identified a fourth attachment style:
Disorganized Attachment: Children with disorganized attachment styles may exhibit contradictory behaviors, such as approaching their caregiver for comfort but then quickly withdrawing. This attachment style is often associated with inconsistent or abusive caregiving.
How Do These Different Attachment Styles and Limerence Combine?
These different attachment styles can influence how individuals experience and respond to limerence. While limerence can affect individuals with any attachment style, it is most commonly associated with the anxious-preoccupied attachment style.
Anxious-Preoccupied Attachment Style: Individuals with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style tend to have a heightened need for closeness and intimacy in relationships. They may become overly dependent on their romantic partners for validation and reassurance, making them more prone to experiencing limerence.
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment Style: Individuals with a fearful-avoidant attachment style may also experience limerence, although it may manifest differently than in those with an anxious-preoccupied attachment style. Fearful-avoidant individuals may have a deep fear of rejection and abandonment, leading them to become intensely attached to their romantic partners.
Secure Attachment Style: While individuals with a secure attachment style can also experience limerence, it is less common than in those with anxious-preoccupied or fearful-avoidant attachment styles. Securely attached individuals are generally more comfortable with intimacy and are better able to regulate their emotions in relationships.
Identifying and Detaching from Limerent Relationships:
Identifying if you are caught up in a limerent relationship is the first step towards detaching and healing. Here are some signs that you may be in a limerent relationship:
Obsessive Thoughts: Constantly thinking about the object of your affection, imagining romantic scenarios, and longing for their attention.
Idealization: Idealizing the other person and imagining a perfect future together, often ignoring any flaws or red flags.
Dependency: Feeling emotionally dependent on the other person for validation and reassurance.
Insecurity and Jealousy: Feeling threatened by any perceived threat to your imagined relationship with the other person.
To detach yourself from a limerent relationship and heal from the damage, consider the following steps:
Acknowledge Your Feelings: Recognize that what you are experiencing is limerence and not healthy love. Accepting your feelings is the first step towards healing.
Set Boundaries: Establishing boundaries with the object of your affection is essential for your emotional well-being. This may involve limiting contact with them or seeking support from friends and family.
Focus on Yourself: Redirect your energy and attention towards yourself and your own well-being. Engage in activities that bring you joy and fulfillment, such as hobbies, exercise, and spending time with loved ones.
Seek Professional Help: If you are struggling to break free from limerence on your own, consider seeking the help of an experienced coach. They can provide you with the support and guidance you need to move forward.
Why Working with a Coach is Advantageous:
Working with a coach can be highly advantageous in navigating and overcoming limerence. An experienced, seasoned coach can provide you with objective perspective, help you to clarify your situation by detethering emotions from healthy conscious thinking. A trained coach can also provide personalized support, guidance, and accountability as you work towards detaching yourself from a limerent relationship and healing from the damage.
A coach can help you:
Gain Clarity: A coach can help you gain clarity on your feelings and motivations, allowing you to better understand why you are experiencing limerence and how it is impacting your life.
Set Goals: A coach can help you set realistic and achievable goals for detaching yourself from a limerent relationship and moving forward with your life in a safe and healthy way.
Develop Strategies: A coach can help you develop practical strategies for breaking free from limerence, such as setting boundaries, building self-esteem, and developing healthy coping mechanisms.
Provide Support: A coach can provide you with the support and encouragement you need to stay motivated and focused on your goals, even when faced with challenges or setbacks.
Limerence is a complex emotional state that can have significant implications for individuals and their relationships. By understanding the nature of limerence, recognizing its signs, and seeking support from a coach or therapist, individuals can safely detach themselves from limerent relationships, begin the healing process, and bolster their mental-emotional health to help them to cultivate and nurture healthy relationships going forward.
If you feel that you may be affected by limerence, or just facing challenges in your relationship, I can help. Together, we will work to help you release your old toxic patterns, and cultivate healthy, fulfilling relationships.
Melissa Z. White, CLC, CHC, CNIM, REEGT, RNCST
Proud military wife, mother of two amazing and active kids, former nomadic rock climber, neuropsychology nerd, autoimmune warrior, and open heart surgery survivor.
Melissa is a Personal Power Authority, Certified Surgical Neurophysiologist, Certified Holistic Life & Health Coach, and NLP Practitioner. She holds degrees in psychology and neurophysiology, and has over 25 years specified experience in the medical, mental health, social services, corporate, and entrepreneurial industries. Her uncommon background, education, and experience provides a unique perspective and understanding of the brain, human behavior, and the link between mentality, physicality, and achievement.
She has been professionally coaching individuals around the globe to maximize their potential and live out their dreams for nearly a decade. Recognizing the intersecting relationship between all areas of our lives, she has designed and developed her signature 6-Pillar framework that can be taught and applied to create and sustain high levels of holistic life success and satisfaction.
Published: April 22, 2024
© 2024 Melissa Z. White, LLC • All Rights Reserve
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